Fragments
by Unceasing
Summary: Somehow they manage to stay together, even with this not-love between them.


"I want you to fuck me," Sollux says, satisfaction settling on his face as he watches how his words affect his companion. Something in the back of his head tells him that he shouldn't enjoy all this control. Shouldn't exploit it. But if he's being honest with himself, he honestly doesn't give two shits

"Sol-"

"Thtop."

Karkat, for once, falls silent before he can even finish his name. Sollux on the other hand, has to fight back the urge to smile. "I want you to do it - jutht thith once. But before that, I'm going to athk you a quethtion, and you better fucking anthwer it honethtly."

Karkat frowns at him, obviously confused, and obviously wary. Sollux isn't stupid - he knows he's playing with fire. Karkat is explosive and dangerous, and as much as he rants and raves, he always knows what he's doing. Years of watching those shitty movies and watching _people _have gained him the upper hand when it comes to relationships. He chased after TZ for what felt like months, caught her, and then kicked her to the curb. Karkat Vantas was not a nice preson, and he knew how to use people. He was deadly.

"Do you _love _me?"

"That's not _fair, _Sollux," Karkat growls, a deep animalistic sneer that builds from the back of his throat. He's scowling now, a slight turning-down of the lips and a slight narrowing of the eyes. A shame that hard look only works on people who don't actually _know _him.

"I think it'th perfectly fair. I need to know thith shit, KK. I need to know before we do it."

"You've had no problem fucking _me," _Karkat retorts, his eyes narrowing further. It's sort of funny, because Karkat probably thinks he's caught on to Sollux's little game, but he really hasn't. How could he? Sollux himself doesn't even understand, and he's the one conducting it.

"But thith time, _I _want _you. _And I want to know if I can _trutht _you."

Karkat stays silent, but his eyes go wide for a moment and he has to bite his lip to _stay _that way when Sollux begins to work his magic on the sensitive parts of his anatomy. He whines out a small sigh, but doesn't stop. "Damn. I was looking forward to-"

"Damn it, I _don't," _Karkat's voice suddenly rises in pitch, and again it's like he's yelling in Sollux's face. "I _don't _love you. And you fucking _know_that, you-"

Sollux silences him again, this time by biting Karkat's lips harshly. When he tastes blood, he smirks. "At leatht you're being honetht with me."

Sollux then leans back and pulls off his shirt, and begins working on unbuckling the belt that is slipped around Karkat's waist. Lowering his lids, he breaths, "Fuck me, kk."

He knows he shouldn't enjoy the power he has. Shouldn't exploit it.

But he doesn't care.

* * *

When they first met, they were in Washington. They met on a bus, which isn't all that interesting out of context. Plenty of people meet up on busses. But context matters in this case, because they'd stumbled upon each other at midnight; they both had the same idea to sleep on the broken one for the night. It was hard, it was cold, but they weren't the people they were running from.

But that wasn't a significant part in his mind anymore. The only reason Karkat can remember that night isn't because of the barely-padded benches, or the too-cold air that constantly brushed against his skin, but because it was the only innocent time him and Sollux were innocent when they slept together. He wishes that they could have done it again, even just once, just so he can remember the way it felt to think Sollux was innocent at all. He used to be. Back before he changed, back when his moods weren't so extreme. When they were more or less stable - equal on both parts.

Back then, Sollux's mismatched eyes seemed to call out for attention, for _anything, _and the way his body shivered and jerked only completed the picture. Maybe a little naive, but hungry for attention.

But Karkat was brutally wrenched from that fantasy when Sollux woke up and asked if he wanted to follow him to his spot.

* * *

Sollux can completely recall seeing Karkat around before they actually met. In his mind, he was so _fascinating; _he seemed to hold himself in higher esteem than anyone else around him. He rose his voice, he yelled, and it was like he was always one step ahead of the game. Many would simply call it arrogance and move on, but Sollux knew better. Karkat held himself on a higher level because he _was _better than the others. The others who lived in the ally for whatever reason. Those who were running.

Sollux _still _can't remember a time when he wasn't good at hiding in the shadows, so he knew Karkat hadn't seen him before they slept on that bench together. Karkat had been running away from Jack; a killer that was sent from the Imperial Army to eradicate him for his betrayal.

Sollux had been running from the army himself, and they would have captured and enslaved him once he was caught himself - for running away.

He shouldn't have pulled Karkat away to his place. but still, a need is a need and a fix is a fix, so he _had _to go back that ally. He really just wanted Karkat alone because he was fascination.

* * *

Karkat hates the fucking noises that Sollux makes when he's being filled. He'd so damn seductive, so _sensual, _when it's the other way around; but right now he just sounds like a cheap whore doing him a favor. But then he realizes that being turned on by it _anyways _makes him pathetic, but it's not like he can keep the thought in his mind for long while he's trying to please both of them.

He tries to wonder how Sollux _does _it, but he can't do that either.

Karkat takes special care when he finishes _not _to tell Sollux those three words - to not be honest. Sollux takes those words too close to heart, to absolute. Unbeknown to Sollux, Karkat knows that he believes that he can't be loved - that he _cannot _love.

Karkat wishes - as Sollux finishes beautifully and the sound sickens him - that were true. It would make pretending a hell of a lot easier.

* * *

The first time that he ever got high was an accident. He was ten years old, and accidentally overdosed on the medicine that his dad had taken for a sore throat. He'd been left at home alone when he caught a cold, and he'd thought - logically - that if one teaspoon would make his _dad's_cough go away for a while, then more would make _his _go away for longer.

When he was fourteen, he decided that it would be better to live his life in that state then to live with his naturally fucked up head. Better to live like that then live with the guilt of killing Aradia one day when he was manic. So Sollux went on to search for better, longer lasting trips. In his rare moments of honesty, he can admit that he was also looking for a way to die. But no one is ever around during those honest times, so he can pretend that it isn't true.

Sometimes he just wishes that he could share all of this with Karkat, that maybe he might be able to understand. But he never does, because Karkat is caustic and angry and there's no way he would be able to understand him. Not really. He'd just think he was pathetic.

Sollux didn't want to sell his soul to the imperial army. He didn't want to become just another figurine serving on their all-powerful ships.

So it's either running, or suicide, and Sollux didn't _really _want to die.

* * *

While Sollux is asleep, Karkat is free to openly hate. He hates the army. He hates anything to do with their fake 'peace' that the Imperial Army stands for, He's not really an anarchist, he just hates the way they do things. He hates his life. He hates _himself._

And he really, _truly, _hated Sollux.

But when Sollux is awake, nearly all of that anger fades away. One look is all it takes - one seductive look, one inquisitive look, one _glance -_and Karkat is entranced once again. He says shit and does things that he would _never _do otherwise, because he wants Sollux _much _more than he wants _honesty_, which at this point isn't too much in the first place.

* * *

He doesn't understand why Karkat isn't asking for another go.

Karkat generally has a fairly dominant personality, and Sollux doesn't really understand why he had to practically _order _him to do what he _has _to have wanted all this time. He doesn't understand why Karkat never even _tried._

He doesn't understand why there are times when Karkat just wants to hold him close.

He doesn't understand why Karkat still bothers to kiss him.

He doesn't understand why, when Karkat says he doesn't love him, it's the best kind of not being able to breath.


End file.
